hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful