My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Randomize
