I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
21 People Intentionally Did Despicable Things During Sex
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
20 People Confess What It’s Really Like To Live Under Sharia Law
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.