Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
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