I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
