Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Randomize
