You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
