I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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