can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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