don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Randomize
