I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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