just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
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