After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
