Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
