Dude my mom stole all your condoms
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
