Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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