When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
