Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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