this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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