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I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
True strength comes from lack of pants
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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