I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Randomize
