We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
