You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
