She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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