Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
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How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
whose ass print is on the piano?
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
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I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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