dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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