Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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