Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
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She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
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You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.