i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Its Shannon Doherty lazy not Forest Whittaker lazy
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.