Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
