My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
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I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
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I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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