I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
