Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I think a kid would responsible me up
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
