dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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