Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Randomize
