I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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