youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
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