Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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