im six kinds of drunk right now
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
