Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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