Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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