Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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