This is not my ceiling
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
