she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
