Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
Randomize
