had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
