I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Randomize
