So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
