I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
