Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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