Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
