this beer tastes like vomit already
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
