Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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