True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
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yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
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I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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