we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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