I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
