Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
